We all experience failures in our lives, an outgrowth of being human. When we fail, we’re often hard on ourselves because the feelings and behaviors associated with failure expose our ego to vulnerability, a raw and uncomfortable feeling. If we close ourselves off to being vulnerable, we miss the opportunity to be present to our emotions. If we try to hide our shame, uneasiness, or sadness we keep from encountering love and empathy from others. One challenge in life is to embrace our failures and turn them into opportunities to learn and grow.

There was a time in my life as a leader when I failed to see the big picture and understand the complex dynamics and relationships in an organization I was hired to lead.  With a naive view of the organization’s culture and the key players I was meant to lead, I struggled to use and adapt my skillset, compiled from past experiences, to the new circumstances I faced.  A wide-eyed leader with little guidance to navigate the complexity, I stepped on many land mines and found myself trying to pick up the pieces.  Many of the situations I found myself stuck in came about because of my limitations.  A vulnerability was ever-present during my short tenure.

One situation, seared in my memory, was sitting on the stage in an auditorium filled with 120+ employees and having the board chair explain why a leadership change was in the works.  I felt exposed and vulnerable because everyone in the audience could read the tea leaves, I was being let go or fired. The public display made my vulnerable feelings that much more challenging to handle.

What got me through this period of my life was sharing my shame, uneasiness, and sadness with family, friends, and a few close mentors from my past.  Taking long walks with my dog provided space to reflect on the advice I was given, process what went right and what went wrong, and let go of the puzzle pieces that were out of my control.  Ultimately, it was one of the most important learning experiences of my career. As a person and a leader, I grew immeasurably from the experience.

The word failure has its roots in the Latin word, fallere, “to trip, cause to fall.”  It also has its origins in the Old French word, falir, “to be lacking, miss, or not succeed.”  Failures in our lives are times when we stumble, fall, trip, miss the boat, and don’t succeed. When we fail, it is natural to be overcome with emotions of shame, uneasiness, or sadness that lead to experiencing the rawness of vulnerability.

In her essay, The Fine Art of Failure, Pema Chödrön writes: “Our uncomfortable ego tries to escape from that rawness.  One of the most common methods is to blame our failure on something outside of us.”  In my situation, I distinctly remember placing blame on others rather than looking in the mirror. While I didn’t need to shoulder all the blame for failing, I did need to face the limitations that contributed to it. Pema Chödrön writes about a third way to work with failure and vulnerability, “which is to train ourselves simply to feel what we feel.” Be present with the feelings and relax in the realization that we cannot control everything; however, we can learn to let go of what we cannot control. In that way, we can learn from our failings. She writes, “holding the rawness of vulnerability in our heart.”

Here are four strategies to work with our failures. (1) Allow yourself time and space to sit with your feelings. Use mindfulness practices, meditation, or a walk to let the feelings settle in. (2) Practice having some compassion for yourself and learning to let go (See David Hawkins book, Letting Go). Remember that not everything is in your control. (3) Counter to the idea of letting go, reflect on the experience you had to see what lessons you can learn. This will build the resilence muscle you need to manage the next failure. Finally, think about building a growth mindset. We can improve with effort, an open mind, and the dermination to try again.

Through my many failures I have come to believe in Michael Jordan’s words from a 1997 Nike commercial, “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” The assumption is that in order to succeed we have to be intentional about paying attention to the reasons and practicing to get better. It takes a serious look in the mirror. If we do and learn, then we will grow as a result of our failures.

References:

Welcome the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living In a Brokenhearted World, by Peme Chödrön, 2019

Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, David R. Hawkins, 2012